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| 08:27pm 19/01/2007 |
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| Greed: | High
| | | Gluttony: | High
| | | Wrath: | High
| | | Sloth: | Low
| | | Envy: | Medium
| | | Lust: | Very High
| | | Pride: | High
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Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz |
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| HEHE |
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| 02:46am 06/03/2006 |
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mood:  tired
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| 01:13pm 30/01/2006 |
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mood:  determined
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Fuck! I’ve upset her again. This really needs to stop. The difference is this time I have a new mind set. As easy as it would be to break down into tears right now, that wouldn’t help me, it would hinder me. I need to in stead work to do the things I know I need to do. I need to first understand what I am doing, and then I need to devise a course of action that will correct all of the problems outlined. Firstly what. I have figured a few main things that I am doing that is causing most of this
1. Being an ass hole, I have found that I have been saying things that have been mean and insensitive to her. I’m not doing this on purpose but the fact that it’s happening is enough.
2. Ambiguity and lying, she is very incensed by ambiguous and misleading information that I have been giving. Again not my intention but still very real. I have yet to discover why I am doing this but I am none the less and must correct it.
3. Showing how I feel, I seem to be able to articulate my feelings well but am having problems showing it. Distance is obviously an issue; I have little contact with her in which to show my feelings. None the less I must make every second count. This is not only what she wants it is also what I want.
I’m not shore why I do this but in form I first look back to history. My last relationship was the only one that I truly believe I had nothing to do with the demise of. I did everything right and it still went south. Before that I am convinced that I sub-concisely destroyed all my perspective relationships before they could become serious due to a fear of commitment and rejection. I’m not curtain if that has any weight on what is happening now but I doubt fear of commitment is the issue considering my devotion to her.
My plan of action is simple; I must correct these problems and do anything necessary to ensure that I never make the same mistakes again. I am willing to work as hard as I need to. The fact is I would work every single day till the end of time to no avail if it meant but one day of happiness with her.
I am convinced the strain on our relationship can in a different way also be attributed to distance. It is important for people in a relationship to grow together this is much easier to do when they are together a lot. When they are not they risk growing in separate directions or apart. This can be helped with effort. I feel she has put in more effort in this direction than I may have. I must fight to keep myself and intern us growing in the same direction.
Overall I must do anything necessary to correct my behavior for good. Failure is not an option! To do this I must maintain my composure, even though whenever she is sad I just want to crawl into a ball and die. What good would that do? It would give me nothing. I will work as hard as I need to, and I will succeed in making her happy. |
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| Why do I heart the ones I love? |
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| 09:12am 24/01/2006 |
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mood:  depressed
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I am such an ass hole I deserve nothing why am I a dick to the one I love when I only want to make her happy I deserve to go back to living in my parents basement alone with no one. I don’t deserve to be happy when I make everyone I want to be happy miserable. |
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| Was I Out Of My Head Was I Out Of My Mind |
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| 03:19pm 23/01/2006 |
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mood: lonely
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Well freaks and geeks it’s been a wile since my last post. Yours truly is in quite a state. I’m not certain how to deal with myself right now. I’ve heart the one I love more than anything, and though where speaking again I’m still scared. I think I’m more scared because of what I’m thinking in fact. I love her more than anything in the world, but after how I treated her I couldn’t blame her for leaving me. I’m not shore if I’m expecting it or not but it wouldn’t surprise me considering. As much as I couldn’t blame her if she left me I don’t want that to happen. I’m not even shore I deserve her any more, but I want to! I want to give her everything in the world. It sounds like I’m paranoid or something. I’m honestly just scared because I deserve nothing. I love her and want to right all the wrongs I’ve done. I’m just not shore if it’s not too late the song I’m listening to sums my feelings up well.
Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say
Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too |
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| 09:53pm 10/01/2006 |
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mood: depressed
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She’s feeling so much pain. My chest burns. I want to make her feel better |
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| To Many Things In My Head To Say |
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| 05:17pm 10/01/2006 |
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mood: sad
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I’m not too well I’m trying to give the person who is upset space but more and more I just want to comfort them make them feel better I know that may only make things worse so I’ll wait let them contact me when there ready, but if your reading this I only hope that is not too long I want to be there for you, and though some or all of this is if not my fault not having been helped by me I want to work these things out, I want to be there for you. |
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| Hell |
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| 05:24am 10/01/2006 |
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mood:  distressed
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Well freaks and geeks I feel like hell! I guess it’s been a wile since I’ve posted but I needed to vent, and I apologize if this starts to go emo it truly is not my intention. You see small constituency of the world that will read this, I know a truly wonderful person. She is the single human being in the world I care most about! The person I would do anything for, who I’d never try and hurt regardless. Unfortunately I’ve managed to do just that. I’ve hurt this person, let them down, and done everything to make their life hellish. Now don’t get me wrong I never intended for this to occur, but it has none the less. The kicker is my complete and utter lack of any ability to reconcile my grievous mistakes. It seams like everything I do to try and make this better, to try and figure out how to repair my mistakes end in making this situation worse. Hell I’d do anything to make up to this very important person in my life but I’m not sure of the course of action I should take. It distresses me greatly and not knowing how to handle adds insult to injury (thanks universe … you bloody bastard). At this point I’m going to try not to push to let this person have there space, but it tears my little control freak self apart not being able to confront this problem head on with a positive outcome. I just hope that very soon this person will be able to forgive me. My guilt and sadness is overwelming. Well freaks and geeks wish me luck! |
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| no more clsses |
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| 05:21pm 15/11/2005 |
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mood:  weird
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Hay freaks and geeks!! Finally finished my last class before finals. I’m so incredibly glad that school is nearly over for a bit. Worked on my comic a bit last night I’ll go into high gear once I’m on break in hopes that people will like it and I can end school for real work. Yay!! So anyway “so close yet so far away” and such and so forth. Wish me luck on my comic venture. I can only hope for the best. Till next time. |
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| Been A Wile |
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| 02:16pm 14/11/2005 |
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mood:  peaceful
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Hello freaks and geeks!! Sorry it’s been ages since I’ve posted busy with such and so forth and not a lot of computer time. Let’s see I went to the Black Label Society and Brand New Sin show Saturday, it was most cool. Very good show, I hadn’t heard much Brand New Sin before this and they where very cool. I mean after their set they watched BLS in the audience and hung around talking to people in the lobby talking to people. Anyway I have one class remaining before finals. I have to buckle down with my comic book proposal I’m working on in hopes of not returning to school next quarter. Any who it’s been a busy couple of weeks as I’ve said but soon I’ll be home for at least a bit. Till next time. |
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| The Last Fue Days |
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| 11:45pm 08/11/2005 |
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mood:  cynical
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Hello freaks and geeks!! Wow this is probably my first real entry let see my Girl Friend Sara visited last weekend which was very cool. Last night at about 1am Andrew called and a bunch of people got together to cheer Rosie who hadn't had the greatest birthday up. This obviously included singing, booze, and weed it was much fun. I then talked to Sara who wasn't having the best evening but that was none the less good (it's always good to talk to her) after that the cocktail of sleeplessness, rum, and marijuana kicked in and I laid in bead thinking listening to music first classic rock, then technopop, followed by a long stint of early 90’s at this point I had an epiphany. I found that I have become complacent, I have lost my edge having become too comfortable. My goal is to regain my edgy quality and thus become interesting again. Well till next time. |
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| how wierd I am |
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| 02:15am 06/11/2005 |
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mood: amused
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| You Are 40% Weird | 
Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it! |
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| First Post |
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| 02:05am 03/10/2005 |
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mood: tired
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Hello everyone I hope what will come will be amusing be chill. |
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darkchyld61's journal